How to Talk to a Loved One About Their Substance Use
Start with Compassion, Not Judgment
When someone you care about is struggling with substance use, it can be heartbreaking—and complicated. You may want to help, but fear saying the wrong thing. You may feel helpless, angry, confused, or afraid. All of these feelings are valid. The truth is, talking about substance use is never easy, but compassionate communication can be essential. No one wants to feel attacked or blamed. Start from a place of empathy. Let your loved one know that you care about them, and that you’re coming from a place of concern, not criticism. A simple way to begin is with gentle observation and reassurance. For example, you might say: "I've noticed you've seemed really overwhelmed lately, and I'm worried about how you're coping. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk." Avoid accusatory language like "You need to stop drinking" or "You always do this." Instead, lead with love and curiosity.
Be Honest and Respectful
It’s okay—and important—to be honest about how your loved one’s substance use is affecting you. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements to reduce defensiveness. For example: "I feel scared when I see you drinking a lot because I care about you." Let them know you’re speaking up because you care, not because you want to control them. Respect their autonomy while expressing your concern.
Offer Support, Not Solutions
It's tempting to try to fix things or come up with the perfect solution, but recovery is a personal journey. Instead of giving advice, offer support. Ask what they need. Offer to:
Research local therapists or treatment options together
Sit with them while they call a professional or attend a support group
Be a consistent, nonjudgmental presence
Even small gestures—like checking in regularly—can make a big impact.
Understand the Stages of Readiness
Your loved one might not be ready to change right away. They may be in denial, feel ashamed, or believe they can manage things on their own. Change doesn’t happen overnight. Your job isn’t to push—it’s to plant a seed of support that they know is there when they’re ready.
Set Healthy Boundaries
Supporting someone doesn’t mean sacrificing your own mental health. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to protect your space, time, and well-being. You can love someone and still draw boundaries that keep you safe. This might mean refusing to lend money, choosing not to enable behaviors, or deciding to step back when necessary.
Boundaries are not punishments—they’re a form of self-respect and a model for healthy relationships.
Take Care of Yourself Too
Loving someone through substance use is exhausting. It can feel like walking on eggshells, holding your breath, or constantly bracing for crisis. You may benefit from therapy, support groups like Al-Anon, or trusted friends who can hold space for your own emotions. You matter, too.
When to Seek Immediate Help
If you ever feel that your loved one is in immediate danger—whether from overdose, alcohol poisoning, or suicidal ideation—call 911 or seek emergency services.